Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Let It Go

It's been a long time since we've last talked. Sigh.... I know. I'm a horrible friend. You've been neglected; cast aside like a half-read paperback not worth reading in its entirety. Dare I say that you've been left to sit out and stale away on the counter like a half-eaten bagel? (We all knew I wouldn't say "donut" in place of "bagel", because let's face it - donuts never make it much further than the car once purchased. They scream tiny sprinkles of screams at their impending fate as I callously walk them to the car and taunt them as I open the bag with calculated intention.) Yes, I've tossed all of you to the side. All the while, I've been gallivanting around to different parts of the country, experiencing joys, experiencing fear, experiencing life. But I'm here now, and it's time to play catch up.

First off, I passed the Big Poppa interview for a promotion. It feels so liberating to finally have this conquered and out of the way. But the real test is to put this all into action. It's one thing to talk the talk - clearly I can talk - but an entirely different thing to walk the walk - even in leopard print peep toes. I've been on that proverbial path taking that walk for three years, but now that I can officially lead the race, there seems to be so much more at stake. It's gonna take time, but time I've got. And although I'm looking at my options now that I'm here, I'm not exactly looking to leap into something new just yet.

Next, when we last left each other, The Single Girl and The Single Boy were having a bit of a power struggle and the heroic, stunningly beautiful Single Girl - shut up, this is my story - was winning. In this ball game, I had hit a home run. We've had a few phenomenal dates in the past few weeks and The Single Girl is wondering how she's gotten so very lucky. There's just one glitch: fear.

Before you start rolling your eyes thinking that this guy is an idiot and he's gonna let a little fear get in the way of something wonderful - which is totally sweet that you're coming to my defense so quickly - let's just clear the air and call a spade a spade. I'm the one to blame here. Yep, I'm the one who's scurrrrrred. Stupid, right? Well, when you're presented with something good after so many times of being disappointed, your mind plays tricks on you. Feel free to throw hard objects my way. My sister will join you - she threw wooden trucks at my head as a baby because she didn't like me.

For years I've experienced a gamut of disappointment. And I shouldn't let these past experiences dictate how I respond in the here and now, but it's the unfortunate truth that our past paves way for our future. It's not so simple to just let go and experience. I instead analyze, I question, and in this case, I almost sabotage. And why? Because past experiences tell me that this isn't real. He can't be real. What he says can't be real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stupid, I know.

It's time for a change, though. And tonight is the perfect night to do just that. After a good cardio session and a pep talk with Nurse Betty, my mind is in the right place. It's time to just let it go and let it be. I've met someone great who makes me laugh. If it lasts through tomorrow or the next day, great. If it lasts beyond that, even better. But by letting go of the pressure I've needlessly placed on the relationship, I can instead just focus on having fun and living in the moment. Time to let it go.

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