Monday, November 22, 2010

In Keeping With Tradition...

It wouldn't be Christmas - or the start of the season - without my annual pilgrimage to Home Goods for Princess 2's traditional hideous ornament gift. Yes, I am just such a godmother that buys disgusting, bottom of the shelf, atrocious holiday ornaments for my goddaughter just to see the look of joy on Princess 2's face and the look of absolute horror on her mother's as she's forced to adorn the tree with said ornament. I'm evil and wicked and conniving, and I freakin' love it! Oh get those looks of distaste off your faces. Would you rather me buy the child a drum set or one of those pop-pop-pop toys? At least this way Princess 2 stays quiet, which is no small feat, given that she has this loud, booming voice that loves to spill out the most inappropriate information at the most inopportune times. Plus, this gives me something to hang over Nurse Betty's head when she's behaving badly. It's kind of like when we parents ruefully pull the Santa card when our kids are behaving badly - only with an adult twist.

It all started two years ago when we were all out shopping at Target. (My mecca, especially the ones that have Starbucks in them... Shhh! I'm having a Target-meets-Starbucks moment. Okay, all good.) It was Christmastime, and we were walking the isles of Christmas wares when Princess 2 stumbles upon the most appalling green sequined fish ornament and falls madly in love with it. It was....charming. (Snickering...) Yes, charming is a great adjective. But Nurse Betty would not have anything to do with it. She was finally starting to acquire all the ornaments she wanted to have on her tree in her post-mortem divorcee life, and she'd be deaf, dumb, and blind before that green sequined fish ornament ended up on her tree.

Enter The Single Girl and cue the evil witch cackle...

The next day I happened to be in Target (shocker, I know) and I happened to be in the Christmas isle, looking at the very same ornament. And oddly enough, that fishy ornament ended up being the only thing that landed in my basket that day. Hmmm....strange.

When the time came to open presents, I made sure that Princess 2 opened her ornament present first. She was so excited to see that fish, and Nurse Betty was, well, happy on the outside. But that sideways look of "I'll get you for this, my pretty" was haunting. (She's never really been able to top that, by the way.) And that very night, Princess 2 proudly displayed her fishy ornament dead-center on her Christmas tree.

Last year I knew I needed to top the year before, so Princess and I went out to Home Goods this time to locate something even more heinous, since Home Goods has no shortage of....well, crap. She and I rummaged through the boxes and laughed hysterically at all the possibilities. That is, until two ladies beside us caught on to all the mischief. They soon became our partners in crime and helped us locate one of the most atrocious ornaments known to mankind: The Christmas Pig.

This was no ordinary Christmas Pig. No....this was a Rudolf Christmas Pig, complete with fuzzy red nose and antlers. Princess and I knew that it was the ornament for Princess 2 the moment we laid eyes on it. We giggled ourselves silly all the way home and then sent Nurse Betty taunting texts about our find. And when we opened presents, Princess 2 just about feinted at the beautiful ornament that she had received. She vowed to place this newest gem next to her green fishy. Two points for Godmommy.

This brings us to this year. I've purchased a sequined fish and Rudolf the Christmas Pig, but how can those be topped? Well, boys and girls, I'd like to introduce you to Edna, the Christmas Frog:

Edna, The Christmas Frog

Edna stands 4" tall and is glass. She has sparkly ruby red shoes, a ruby ring, and real eyelashes, as all Christmas Frogs do. Oh, and don't forget her gorgeous pearl necklace.

Edna's Ruby Red High Heels

Edna's Ruby Ring

Look Mom! Real Eyelashes!

It might be safe to say that after this I'll be impeached from Godmotherhood and be forced to live an abstinent life somewhere in Guatemala as a waitress in a seedy bar. Nice knowin' ya!

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